There are perhaps endless puerile jokes I could launch at you concerning the new Dawn Plus Hand Renewal dishwashing liquid that was sent to me to try the other day.

Most of them have to do with the words “hand”, “renewal”, “job”, “skin”, “washing”. Oh, and how about “chafing”, “viscuous” and “fruity” while we’re at it.

Let the record show I physically restrained myself. I’m a good boy, mom.

First off, I have to say that I’ve been using Dawn products for years and years. They’re pretty wunnnderful. And no, there isn’t a customer sales rep holding a .44 magnum to my head as I speak those words. Never, of course not. What do you take me for. I’m not being manipulated in any way, no siree. I don’t get any kickbacks like free center ice tickets to the next hockey game either. They are not treating me to an all expenses paid trip to Disney World in Florida either.

I’ve actually found their dishwashing liquid every so often at the dollar store - I usually get the green apple variety. We don’t have a dishwasher (too Cheaplander-ish to buy one). So I go through quite a bit of dishwashing liquid at home.

Anyhow, the latest and greatest Dawn product is the Plus Hand Renewal formula. The claim is that it’ll improve how your hands look in five uses. According to the literature:

Breakthrough Dishwashing Product with Beauty Benefits… elevates dishwashing to a beautifying experience by combining Dawn’s superb cleaning power with a soothing formula that improves the look and feel of your hands in just five uses… As you clean grim from your dishes a protein enzyme reacts with your hands surface to help regenerate softer feeling skin.

OK, I think I understand that a little Vitamin E or whatever will help out your skin. It also apparently has something called FNA, the active skin technology ingredient from P&G Beauty - whatever that is. But let me tell you: I didn’t feel any prettier after using the dishwashing liquid. Oh, I’m no Zorkian Grue mind you. It’s just that I’m not going to appear on American Idol anytime soon (erghffughbarf… I just threw up a little in my mouth mentioning that show). What was my point here? Oh yes, I didn’t feel any prettier after using this dishwashing liquid.

They sent me the “Pomegranate Spash” variety of dishwashing liquid. The design of this 22 oz. bottle, I have to say, is rather nice. But I guess no one notices these type of things except for product reviewers and/or failed graphic designers. But yeah, there is a little ridge built into the bottle making it easy to grasp. This is actually a GREAT feature for butterfingers fumbly ol’ me.

I actually really liked the fragrance - it didn’t smell like pomegranate really but it has a pleasant aroma. It’s a nice fruit smell without being too perfumey. The color of the liquid looks exactly like grapefruit juice - remind me not to keep this next to the vodka. I don’t think it’ll mix well.

Ok, by now you’re bored and wondering, “Does this stuff actually work?” Well, maybe it’s my imagination (or the laughing gas I inhaled right before writing this) but after using it for several days I did seem to notice my hands feeling softer and not as dry as usual. Wow. Happy happy, joy, joy!

First, you should note I have fuggly looking hands, even for a 30-something year old guy, with all sorts of protuberances, hangnails and wrinkles. I would’ve taken a photo to show you, but there are limits as to what I can show on the blog. Many of these “growths” are the result of fingers being smashed at roller hockey games. I’m not going to win any “hand model” commercial accounts soon - which is OK with me since my wife has very nice looking hands and probably COULD have been a hand model. It balances out nicely.

So, it’s not going to take much to make hands this fuggly appear to look nicer. But still, it DID seem to help. After using the Dawn Hand Renewal dishwashing liquid for a few days, I noticed that they felt softer. They weren’t as chafed and dry as they usually are after immersing them in hot water for 30 minutes. Well, I didn’t feel like Sarah Palin as a beauty queen. But then, who would want to?

Zing.

In conclusion, I’m going to continue to use this dishwashing liquid. At $3 a bottle, it’s not too bad - but you could definitely get generic dishwashing liquid much cheaper at other places (or even, in some cases, the name brand ones at the dollar store). But yes, it does seem to help your hands - although I wonder if you could get the same effect with a little Aveeno action. Other pros are that it smells nice, plus the bottle has a good grip on it. However, I would put all thoughts of prettification (holy crudités, is that actually a word???) out of your head. Unless you do look like a Grue, in which case I would go out and buy 15 boxes of the stuff immediately and slather it on.

[Editor’s Note: I would like to sincerely apologize to all the Grues out there. In this modern age of culture exploitation (”so easy a caveman could do it”), we product reviewers need to be more sensitive to all of our readers. But since no Grue has ever been seen by the light of day, I assumed there wouldn’t be any harm in commenting on your obvious horrendous appearance. But feel free to write in to voice your complaints, or just continue to consume adventurers who travel without light sources as you may. Thanks.]